Today, during one of our wonderful book discussion groups, a question was asked which has been rolling over and over and over in my mind ever since.  The question was “Do you really want God to have His will in your life?”  The obvious answer was “Yes, of course.”, but as I thought more about it and about our previous discussion, I faltered at quickly professing my true desire.

The bigger God becomes in my own eyes, the more honest I can be about my deceitful heart.  I know without a doubt that I am one with the Lord, but I see His glorious Spirit within me illuminating the deep selfishness that I have so often tried to candycoat and present as noble and worthy.  There is nothing in me that can be pointed at as righteous or inherently good.  All of my own works, thoughts, intents and plans are selfish and arrogant without the renewing work of the Spirit of God.  Without Him, I would never have approached the mercy seat or consider surrender of my own dead works for His robe of righteousness.

As humans, we are constantly hearing the echoes of the first Adam who chose to live in the illusion offered by Satan’s lie “You will be as gods, knowing good and evil.”  We consistently choose to protect ourselves, advance our own interests and make our world suitable for our own narcissistic plans.  It is the grace, mercy and love of God that turned our black,ugly, disgusting heart to reach out for the love of One who gave us the very love with which we could return His love.  Without God’s love, we are incapable of engaging in anything that is beyond ourselves.  “We love Him, because He first loved us.”

I was raised in church and have often said “I only want God’s will for my life.”  I’ve talked of seeking for God’s will and always was concerned that I would miss the will of God in my life.  In reality, though, it is only the Spirit of God within me that has brought new life and it is that same Spirit that directs my gaze toward the Lover of my soul.  Left to my own devices, I would disregard God at every turn.  No matter how long we have walked with God, He will always be the source of love and every good thing in our lives.  He will be the prevailing force for anything that matters for now and eternally.

Yes, my soul is being renewed and changed by the indwelling life of my Glorious Redeemer.  I see that my choices are different, my language has changed and many of my desires are now based in the reality that Christ is my life.  I still see, though, that I want comfort and reputation when confronted with uncomfortable situations and conflict.  I recognize that I still think inwardly of how I might change things, even change them to be better, but the underlying idea is always based in self.  When the Spirit of God is directing, leading and propelling the forward motion, my mind is focused on His goodness, greatness and glory and there is no concern about the how and wherefore.

Do I expect to become a zombie Christian who no longer has an original thought or personality?  Never.  But I recognize that in my spirit, Jesus longs for such a surrender of my soul that His character, power, vision and compassion would encompass my life completely.  I don’t know what that will look like, but I know somehow it will be as that transformation takes place that I will experience humanity as it was created to be – indwelt by the Divine Son of God.

So, what do I really want?  I want to continue to experience all of the many plans God has designed in this adventure of life, knowing that each one will provide the means through which my mind, will and emotions will be changed into His likeness.  I’m sure this means that everyday I will become even more aware of how great He is and how small I am.

Within my spirit, the Spirit of God shouts “Victory Ahead!” to all the stubborn areas of my unrenewed soul and His power will never shrink back from the complete overtaking of my own self as God’s love forges on to conquer my deepest idols and proclaim “JESUS IS LORD”.